I Have Loved You From The Start
by MeredithBrody
Summary: James and Meredith reflect on the mistakes they made in their relationship, and what needs to change for them to be happy.(Brody/James)(Companion to "Everything Old Is New Again")


**So, this song has been plaguing me for days, and it was so completely fitting the relationship I saw between Brody and James. This actually fits in between chapters 2 and 3 of my fic "Everything Old Is New Again", only this is all from James' point of view. This was also partially inspired by a screenshot I have from 1x18 where you can just see how much James loves her written all over his face. So this is all based on this. I feel like this is how some friends may have felt with me in 2007 when I was pretty much unapproachable. ((I also realised recently that my friend Spo and Emily Brody likely have the same D.O.D which hurt more than anticipated)). Anyway, after this ramble, I'll just say, I hope you enjoy this, the few people who are likely to read it.  
Shin xx**

* * *

 _ **This is not what I intended  
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart  
You always thought that I was stronger  
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start**_

The last week had been a blur for him. He'd gotten her call saying she was coming, and then he'd sat and listened to her talk about her sadness, her grief, and her fear about what had gone on over the last month in New Orleans. She had brought it up, and now he was just sat listening, thinking that maybe this time he'd be able to tell her his side. "You left, and for some reason, I've not really been able to get over that." She said, and he understood that. He didn't even think it was unfair, but there was a lot of things that had happened that he was sure hadn't been an intended consequence from both of them.

"I never intended to hurt you MB." He muttered honestly. Had he known it probably would? Of course he had, but it still hadn't been his intention. He'd actually intended to make things easier for her. It had seemed like, toward the end, he'd just been a reminder of a bad memory to her.

"Don't James." She shook her head, and he realised that using his pet name for her in this situation was too much for her. She'd been in Dubai for a week, and he'd known this conversation was coming. They'd needed to actually speak about it, rather than glossing it over as they had done almost every time they'd seen each other since that time. "Six months after losing Emily I lost you too."

"She was my friend too, Meredith, and all you did was push me away." He'd hated that. When Emily died, he felt like he'd lost his friend, and his fiancée, and they hadn't even been anywhere near each other until the days before the funeral. He'd tried to stay, but he hadn't been able to. "After Emily, and the _Moultrie_. I wanted to support you and you didn't let me. So when they offered me an opportunity I would never get again I took it." He knew that, had it been any other job, he wouldn't have gone. But the assignment was the one that had set him up for life, and he'd won more than one award for the job he'd done. That hadn't been the reason he'd left though, that was just a coincidence. "I swore that I would be there, that I wouldn't fall apart even though I missed Emily too. But I couldn't."

"I expected you to stay. Even though I wasn't pulling my share." He wasn't sure what hurt him more about that statement. That she knew she hadn't been pulling her share, maybe understandably, but she still knew. Or that she'd expected him to stay. She had always had a faith in him that he hadn't understood.

The memory that she would tell him all the time that he was strong, it just reminded him of her faith. "You always thought that I was stronger than I was. Always." He rested his forehead against the side of her head. He knew that this was time he was honest with her. James had never been great at admitting to his failings, it was a side effect of being the person that he was in the career he had. But she had always made it that he didn't need to be strong. "I had my tough, beautiful, amazing Federal Agent girlfriend. I never needed to be strong, but I tried when it happened, and I wasn't."

"I never needed strong, James. I just needed you." The way she said that made him feel like they were back on that sofa the night he'd left their apartment. The night he'd left for Afghanistan.

"OK, I get it. I failed." He muttered quietly, closing his eyes and trying not to let that realisation affect him. It shouldn't, but it probably would, and he wasn't happy about that.

"You didn't fail-" She started, but he wasn't in the mood for her to try and defend what had happened. He had failed, he hadn't protected her, and that was the thing that mattered the most to him.

"Yes I did Merri. In your eyes back then I failed, and in my eyes I failed." He was going to stick to this honesty kick. Tell her why he kept searching her out whenever he was in the states. She was the reason he kept going to the states. He could have gone home to Britain, but he hadn't wanted to. He'd always wanted to go to her. "But the truth is that even though I failed, I have loved you from the minute we met. Through absolutely everything." He had seen her face almost every night before falling asleep. He'd still loved her, he always had. "Even when we've been apart I've loved you, little things reminded me of you."

"That happened to me too." She looked away from him a little, and he realised what she was saying. She had still loved him the whole time too. Maybe that explained everything that had happened between them in New Orleans, and why they were finally talking about all of this now. "You didn't fail though, James."

 _ **So breathe in so deep  
Breathe me in I'm yours to keep  
And hold onto your words 'cause talk is cheap  
And remember me tonight when you're asleep**_

He let everything linger for a few moments, and then he looked at her and leant forward and kissed her. Getting this out meant they could approach the future honestly and happily. They could finally both move on, and he hoped they could do that together. "You came here Meredith, to Dubai. You came to me." It wasn't a question, it wasn't a statement. It was something in between.

"I told you why. What happened with Baitfish, and Savannah." He squeezed the hand he held as she said that, because he knew that that had been something that had seriously affected her, and he didn't want her to have to relive it again. Now though, he could ask the question that had been on his mind since she'd arrived.

"But what do you want out of all of this?" He asked, because he felt like they needed to be honest about that. The fact that she was here gave him a good idea, but he didn't know for certain, and that was quite sad for him. If she said what he hoped, he could start making a plan.

"I wanted to know if you wanted to try again." She muttered after a few seconds, and that was all he'd needed to know. They were in the same place, and he could start working toward that end now.

"MB, the one thing I learnt through all of this is that I'm yours to keep." He smiled and kissed her softly, just feeling the need to make some small contact with her after such a long time of talking about heavy topics. "I'll do anything you'd like me to do to make us work."

"No more running off on assignments?" She asked, and he understood that this would be a major worry for her. He couldn't even entirely blame her for the worries. He'd probably have the same ones if their positions were reversed.

He already knew the answer to that. He wasn't going to be running anywhere unless she said he could. If he could take her with him, that would be more the better. "Not without talking to you first, and if you don't want me to go I won't go." That was going to be the deal breaker on his assignments now. If she wanted him to stay, he would.

"Can you stick to that?" She asked, and though he knew it was a serious question, he could see the light smile and knew that she was mostly teasing him. That made him feel a little better. She was at least accepting that he was going to talk to her before taking on an assignment.

"MB... I lost you once." "Coming back, remembering everything that made me love you. I know now that nothing is worth losing you again. I know you feel the same because if you didn't you wouldn't have come here."

"James..." She looked at him, and he was certain that she was going to tell him again that they didn't work. He was willing to try anything to prove that wasn't right. They loved each other, and that was what should matter. They were too old to still be pretending that something small was the reason they didn't work.

"I know you want normal, and maybe I still can't offer you that, not a hundred percent." He was going to be honest about the fact he was still never going to be that guy. It just wasn't in his nature. He couldn't change it without changing himself. "I'm still not going to be home for dinner every night, but I'm going to be there whenever you need me. Be it on the phone or in person." He could promise her that, because it was something he would work on doing every single day.

"I said before, you are who you are, and you don't have to apologise for that." He remembered those words from a few months earlier in New Orleans, before they had started whatever this relationship was. He hoped for it to be a lot more than it was now, but he wasn't going to push it. If she liked who he was then he had enough. "I don't want you to change either."

"I'm not going to change, I'm just going to move my home base." Move was probably the wrong choice of word, as he hadn't actually had a home base since they'd broken up. He just hadn't wanted one. Nowhere had really felt like home without Meredith there with him.

"What about your job?" She asked, and he was a little happy that she was thinking about his career too. The truth was, he could live anywhere with an international airport and not have his career adversely affected.

"I'm a journalist, I can be based anywhere." He had moved his base for her before, and he'd do it again. He had enough money now that he didn't need to take every job. "I want to make you my priority. I fall for you again every night. You're a special lady, MB, and I don't want to let you go." As she curled up against his chest again he realised that she didn't have to tell him the decision, she didn't have to tell him that she was giving him the chance. He was so proud that she was letting him back in, and this time he wasn't going to leave, not without a fight.

 _ **Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you  
Over again don't make me change my mind  
Or I won't live to see another day I swear it's true  
Because a girl like you is impossible to find**_


End file.
